when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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