DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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