I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
