My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
