True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
