hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
