god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
