dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
