if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
