New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
