Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
