Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
