im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
