they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
