You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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