yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
