Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
