oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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