You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
