im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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