I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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