So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
