Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
