i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
