Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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