dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
