there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
