i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
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