she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
