if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
