Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
