after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
