i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
