May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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