Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
