Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
