he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
