Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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