It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
