So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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