oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My vagina just clenched in fear
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
