im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
