I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
