glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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