I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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