you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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