he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
