wat bout pragnant strippers??
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
