nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
