It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
