It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
